The Hidden Judgment in Your Questions (and How It Shows Up in Your Body)

Recently, I was editing a podcast episode about the Harvard method of negotiation. Among other things, the conversation touched on asking good questions – a topic I know well from coaching. I’ve gotten used to using questions both in my work and in everyday life. This time, though, another layer opened up for me—something I hadn’t really noticed or fully realized before: how to ask questions without an accusatory tone. I started thinking that my questions, especially in emotionally charged situations, are too often accusatory. Without realizing it, I take a certain position and ask questions to confirm the story I’ve already created in my head, instead of genuinely trying to understand the situation. Does this ever happen to you too?

Of course, the first thing I did was grab my phone and text Sara, my best friend. I told her I want to practice asking non-accusatory questions and asked if she could point it out the next time she notices that tone in me. Then I kept reflecting on what happens in the body in those moments.

What happens in the body when we are in judgment

Then I kept reflecting on what happens in the body in those moments. When we’re in judgment or already holding a fixed position, the body usually shifts into a protective state. It becomes more tense, breathing often changes, muscles tighten slightly, especially in the jaw, shoulders, stomach, or chest. Our attention narrows, we notice less of the whole situation and focus more on things that confirm our point of view. At that point, we’re no longer in a state of openness, but in a state of readiness. The body wants to protect our perspective, our belief, our story. That’s why our questions no longer come from calmness, but from inner tension. Even if we sound calm, the body often still communicates pressure, control, or accusation.

In an ideal world, we would recognize this, relax, and return to a calm state. But in reality, we carry these patterns with us, and soon we find ourselves in another situation that throws us slightly off balance, and this continues throughout days, weeks, months, even years.

The body remembers patterns

When we stay in this state for a long time, the body remains tense. Muscles stay tight, breathing becomes shallow and fast, posture changes, and even our thoughts begin to show on our face. After a while, we don’t even notice the tension anymore, because the body gets used to it. Habits are very hard to change, especially if we try to change them only with the mind. Even when we practice new behaviors, the body will react in emotionally charged situations the way it has known for years.

You might recognize this sentence: “Next time I’ll do it differently.” And then next time, you react in exactly the same way.

The body remembers how we usually act under stress. When we get caught in thoughts, stories, and beliefs, we lose contact with the body. Our attention stays in the head, what someone did, what they meant, what their tone says, why we are right. And the more we stay there, the more the body tightens.

Because the body and nervous system are connected, it’s sometimes easier to start with the body and influence the mind through it.

Shifting through the body

Even a small change in the body affects how we feel and how we communicate. If we consciously relax the jaw, drop the shoulders, slow the breath, or open the chest, the body receives a signal that it is not in danger. And then our words start to sound different, less attacking, less tense, more open. A more relaxed body creates a more relaxed response.

The body learns best through repeated new experiences. This means that in moments when you feel tension or the urge to defend yourself, you don’t start by fixing your words, you focus on the body. The body responds to a sense of safety, not to words.

We can gently shift attention from the head back to the body with very simple questions:

• What is happening in my body right now
• Where do I feel tension
• How is my breathing
• What would happen if I relaxed my shoulders or jaw a little right now
• Is my body acting from safety or from defense

Even this alone often interrupts the automatic reaction.

Then we can do something very small. Relax the jaw, drop the shoulders, feel the feet on the ground, lengthen the exhale slightly. From the outside, not much changes, but the body begins to receive a different signal, that it is not in danger and doesn’t need to defend itself.

When the body stays in defense

If the body stays in a defensive state for a long time, tension stops being just a reaction and becomes a way of functioning. The nervous system gets used to being on alert all the time, and the body adapts to that. Muscles stay slightly contracted even when there is no real danger. Breathing becomes more shallow. Shoulders stay lifted. The jaw remains tight. The body doesn’t truly rest, even when we are sitting still.

Because the body is highly adaptable, we eventually get used to this state. It becomes our “normal.” Many people only realize how tense they are during massage, movement, or deep relaxation. Long-term activation can also affect other areas of life. We may feel more inner restlessness, irritability, fatigue, or a sense that we can never fully switch off. Emotional regulation often decreases, we react more impulsively, listen less, and find it harder to stay open.

The body shapes perception

The body and mind are not separate systems. When the body stays in defense for a long time, the brain begins to interpret the world through a lens of danger. Attention shifts toward what is wrong, what threatens us, who hurt us, who doesn’t understand us. We become more sensitive to tone of voice, criticism, or rejection. Even in situations where there may be no real danger, the body reacts as if there is.
The opposite is also true, the more relaxed and regulated the body is, the more space we have for curiosity, empathy, openness, and connection. It becomes easier to listen without defending and to ask questions without needing to be right.

Long-term inner tension can also show up physically, as pain in the neck, shoulders, back, or jaw, chronic fatigue, sleep issues, digestive problems, headaches, or heaviness in the body. The body often starts speaking through symptoms when signals have been ignored for too long.
This doesn’t mean every pain is a direct result of stress or emotions. The connections are more complex. But research increasingly shows that long-term activation of the stress response impacts both physical and psychological well-being.

The body as the starting point of change

That’s why working with the body is not just relaxation. It is teaching the body to feel safe again. And when the body feels safe, the way we speak, listen, react, and live begins to change.

Exercise for shifting from defense into softness

In my 1:1 sessions, I often use an exercise where you can practice changing behavior in a safe space, when you are not directly in a real situation. The goal is to soften the body’s “I am right” impulse.

1. Think of a situation where you were in judgment. Repeat the accusatory thought that was running through your mind at the time, for example: “Why did they do it like that?”
   Start walking slowly around the room. Let the movement feel slightly tense at first, as if the body is carrying its usual defensive tone. Keep the jaw slightly tight, gaze forward, and breath a bit shallow. Notice how the body responds. Let each step represent one “sentence.”
2. Then stop and gently shake out the body.
3. Start walking again, but this time soften the movement. Let the steps become lighter, knees relaxed, gaze wider, arms moving gently. Add a longer exhale, like a soft “haaah,” releasing the need for control or answers, while repeating the same thought.
4. At the end, stop and notice what has changed in the body, in the breath, and in the tone of your inner dialogue. And then just stay with that observation:

• Did the tone of your inner dialogue change?
• Did the intensity of the thought shift as the body softened?